posted by meowser
(Get grateful. I could have called this post Boob Wazee. But I didn’t. Hah.)
First, for your listening pleasure, “Boobs a Lot” (the 1971 recording by the Holy Modal Rounders). Video is safe for work. The lyrics are about, well, boobs.
Speaking of boobs, I heard that Commodores song “Brick House” on the radio the other day and immediately flashed back to when I was 14 years old and this song first came out and I hated it soooo much. And I LOVED funk (still do). The music wasn’t the problem. It’s just that this was the late ’70s and the meme then was that a woman couldn’t have big breasts and a big brain — and if she ever did, like Dolly Parton, people would just forget all about the brain and stare at the OMG DID YOU SEE THOSE THINGS. (And Dolly, goddamnit, was a fucking BRILLIANT songwriter who right around that time wound up pretty much abandoning songwriting for decades, except for flashes like “9 to 5,” because she figured out she’d make a lot more money emphasizing her tits. GRRRRR. Not that I especially blame Dolly, in retrospect.) And did I mention that I’d just moved to a new town and a new school where all of a sudden I had the biggest set of OMG DID YOU SEE THOSE THINGS in the entire ninth grade? And that now, every time that blasted Commodores song about a “lady” who was “stacked” came on the air when I was out in public, I had to cross my arms — which were of course inadequate to the task? I’ll bet they never even thought about that when they wrote it, damn them. (I don’t hate the song nearly as much now, but if I want a fast Commodores number I’ll take “Machine Gun” any day.)
What’s gotten me feeling so boobie? Well, I happen to be the proud owner of a new Breast Retention Apparatus. A real one this time. With underwires that don’t poke me in the pits.
You see, my mom works for a National Department Store Chain which, miracle of miracles, happens to carry support for knobs bigger than double-D cups. As anyone who’s north of a double-D can tell you, most chain stores are sub-useless in this area. Yes, Brain Lyant, I’m looking at YOU. I like your soft cup bras (and the price) and have previously loathed every underwire bra I’ve ever put on so much I’ve uniboobed my way into your 42DD and 40DDD for years. But underwires for women creeping towards the middle of the alphabet you can’t bother to carry in your stores, even though you have them on your Web site? I don’t get it. You carry shirts way bigger than my size, but somehow nobody who wears those sizes is supposed to have a cup size bigger than a DDD that runs small, and even that cup size you have only in a few styles? (And then you wonder why you’re going broke?) So when I grumbled about this to my mom, she offered to get me a real titsling with her employee discount, and I went to the local branch of that store to try on a few and see what fit.
See, last May when I got to meet FJ and TR and Kate and Substantia and Lesley and Karen and we all went to Lee Lee’s Valise, the store’s owner, Lisa, fitted me for one of their bras, duly noting the “uniboob” effect of the one I had on. (Shut UP! It was 2 for $40!). She sized me at 38F (F? You mean there are larger sizes that don’t begin with D?), and had me try on one of the bras she carried, one that actually made me look like I had two mountains instead of one very tall speedbump. It was handmade. It was gorgeous. It was $125. It wasn’t happening. (Really, now, if almost all men wore bras, does anyone think they’d be that expensive? I doubt Bill Gates has ever paid $100 for a bathing suit.)
But still, the “uniboob” comment had haunted me ever since, and I’ve been thinking there might be a more attractive solution than cheapo ill-fitting bras from LB, especially after recently going bra shopping with a friend (who can feel free to identify herself here if she wants to) and re-reading bra posts at Shapely Prose and Bitch PhD. (Going braless just doesn’t work for me; I have extremely floppy boobs and without some kind of support they point directly south — or, one supposes, towards hell.) Granted that I work at home and thus it doesn’t really matter how my knockers look, only that carrying them around doesn’t feel like I’ve been moving pianos with one hand all day, I experimented with a Renaissance Faire-acquired bodice. It’s very sexy in a my-boobs-are-here-the-rest-of-me-is-parking-the-car kind of way. So, generally only worn at home or at Renfaire or maybe at parties where I don’t especially mind people fixating gape-jawed on my cleavage. (If they ever actually did that, that is. At my age, I’m not sure that’s the case anymore.)
I still needed something for non-boob-emphasizing Real Life Going Out Doing Errands and Junk. So I went to the aforementioned National Department Store Chain and found some bras by Wacoal, one of the brands recommended by BPHD for us beyond-all-D’s casaba carriers. I tried on a bunch of 38s and 40s, in F and G cups, since I knew I’d gained a few pounds of Remeron weight since I was last fitted. (There’s also something called an FF cup, I guess that’s also a G? Kind of like DDD is really F, except when it isn’t? Some of this letter-sizing crap just makes me wanna lie down with an icepack.) G was as high as they went in that brand. These bras cost about half as much at retail as the Lee Lee’s bra, but were still very well made. This one in a 38G seemed to fit me best. It actually seemed to have that vaunted quality of the middle plate lying in between my cleavage, or at least pretty damn close. (And I knew they didn’t have an H cup for me to try, and even if they did it probably would have been too big.) So that’s the one I asked for. And for the most part, I’m pretty happy with it. Thanks, Mom!
But I have two questions. One, why is this thing called a “minimizer,” when it actually makes my rack look even bigger than the LB cheapo bras do? And two, are you supposed to give yourself carpal tunnel syndrome from putting it on past the first set of hooks? I don’t remember it being that tight when I tried it on in the store. But I know it’s supposed to be snug, much snugger than I’ve been used to while wearing 40 and 42 bands that were too big for me. I guess the point is that it’ll stretch? And also (bonus question), is there anyone who’s a G or bigger who actually does have a bra where the middle plate lies completely flat between the breasts at all times? Mine sometimes does and sometimes doesn’t. But I’ve been attributing that to the…ah…bag of sand quality possessed by my particular boobage. (When I saw that movie I couldn’t help wondering whether someone who had once felt me up had a hand in the writing.) Am I missing something?
(Also, bonus bonus question: does anyone besides me think the Muppets doing “Brick House” in Muppets from Space was just…so incredibly WRONG? Ten years later, I still can’t scrub the image of Kermit singing about titties out of my brain.)